


Even If We Can't Find Heaven

by phanciful_fan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Established Relationship, M/M, Phanfiction, Supernatural Elements
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-12
Updated: 2016-06-07
Packaged: 2018-06-08 00:19:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6831295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phanciful_fan/pseuds/phanciful_fan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan and Phil's domestic relationship is interrupted by emotional conflict and a physical emergency. Phil spends a night in a hospital he never expected as he struggles against a world created by Dan's mind. Can he overcome the challenges in front of him and find harmony with Dan?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Paradise Lost

Phil should have known it was going to be a bad day from the start. Though it was spring, London was cold that morning and he awoke, far too early, to the chill in his apartment. He headed to the kitchen for some sugary cereal to add some brightness to his day. To Phil’s surprise, Dan was already awake. Or, no, judging by the dark circles under his eyes, he had actually been up all night doing who knows what on the internet. Dan was lying more or less comfortably on the couch with his laptop on his chest.

“You alright there, Dan?” Phil laughed lightheartedly as he poured the milk into his cereal.

Dan didn’t say a word, but his blank expression told it all—Dan was not having any of the world today, including Phil. It was definitely one of those days. But it was fine, sometimes it was like that. Everyone needs some time to themselves to recharge and re-center. Phil thought it was best to give him some space, but since he still wanted to comfort his boyfriend, he decided to pour him a cup of coffee.

Without a word, Phil put Dan’s coffee mug on the table in front of his best friend, eliciting a small nod of appreciation from him. After finishing his own breakfast, he left Dan to his devices and headed back to his room to edit some videos.

A few hours later, Phil heard Dan swear from the hallway, “FUCK, Phil! Why’d you leave this goddamn cactus in the middle of the hall?!”

Phil cringed as he remembered that he had forgotten to move it out of the way after he’d given the plant its bi-monthly spray of water.

“I’m sorry!” Phil stepped into the hall, “Is it alright?”

“It’s fine,” Dan frowned at Phil, “but my foot is covered in bloody cactus spikes now.”

“Oh no,” Phil laughed nervously.

“I don’t find this very funny, Phil.”

“Right, sorry, hold on, I can help you get them out,” Phil offered.

“I think you’ve done enough,” Dan sighed, “I’ll get them out myself.”

“Are you sure?” Phil asked, he wanted to help but he didn’t want to irritate Dan any more than he already had today.

“Yeah, I’m sure, go back to your editing.” Dan waved him away.  
Phil left Dan once more to go to his room and was treated to a fun string of profanity from the hall as his boyfriend extracted the cactus spikes from his foot.

After Phil had put in a couple more hours of work and a couple more hours of Netflix, he decided to head into the kitchen again to find something to eat. This time, Dan was nowhere in sight. He looked in the fridge, but it consisted of mostly condiments and beverages. Phil decided the best option at this point in the evening was to order pizza. He certainly didn’t want to go anywhere or cook anything today.

“Dan?” Phil called out loudly, heading to Dan’s bedroom door. “I’m gonna order pizza, what kind do you want?” He didn’t hear an answer, so he opened the door to find Dan sleeping peacefully in his bed. Phil smiled and decided he can’t go wrong with a plain cheese pizza. Dan would appreciate it once he woke up from his sleep.

When Dan finally emerged from his room later that night, Phil greeted him, “Oh, Dan, you’re awake. I ordered pizza, it’s in the fridge.”

Dan only grunted in reply and trudged over to get the pizza. He joined Phil on the couch and Phil rested his arm on Dan’s shoulder. The lack of conversation didn’t bother either of them, but after the episode of The Great British Bake-Off finished, the peaceful silence ended.

“Well I think Ian’s going to win for sure,” Dan remarked. 

“Yeah? I don’t know, Flora’s pretty good too. She’s got that timing part down, at least.”

“Psh, what do you know about timing, Phil,” Dan snorted, “you always lose track when we bake.” 

“Hey, I made good use of my time today! I got a lot of work done.” 

“What are you trying to say, that I wasted the day?“ Dan smiled but his eyes were serious. He was half-joking, but only half. 

“No, no,” Phil stammered, “You were just in a bad mood today, that’s all. It’s fine.” 

“It’s easy to get in a bad mood when my foot was made into a pincushion thanks to someone’s cactus in the middle of the hall,” Dan retorted.

“Hey now,” Phil folded his arms over his chest, “be honest, you were already in a bad mood before that.” 

“Oh, so you do have a problem with it.” 

“No, Dan, I, I don’t have a problem,” Phil’s voice rose in pitch and he gently rubbed Dan’s shoulder, “It’s really okay.” 

“If it’s so ‘okay’ then why bring it up?” Dan copied Phil’s earlier action and crossed his arms as well. 

“I mean, it’s just something that happened.” 

It had started so innocently, with each of them discussing their favorite contestant in calm tones, but the tension that had been floating throughout the apartment all day was brought to a boiling point. One light sarcastic remark led to a more cutting one, folded hands turned into crossed arms, and all at once Phil’s seemingly endless patience shattered. It turned into a shouting match with grievances both new and once forgotten shoved at the other with no mercy and no restraint. No word was forbidden as a night that could have ended comfortably in each other’s arms ended with bellowed insults and slammed doors.

When Phil slid down to the floor of his bedroom against the wall, his hands were shaking with the weight of everything he had just said to Dan. Of course they had fought before, but never with so much anger. It was vile, it was everything they usually refused to be. He knew he had to apologize, but he also knew that Dan was running too hot right now to be spoken to, and frankly, he was as well.

It took him about an hour to fully calm down, and it was well past midnight by the time he had worked up the courage to go to Dan and apologize. Phil gently knocked on Dan’s door with a ball of regret and anxiety sitting low in his stomach. He couldn’t hear a response but he slowly cracked the door open.

Phil immediately knew something was wrong. Dan was standing with his hand against the wall for support, his face was red and panicked, and his breathing was ragged and forced.  
“Phil,” Dan wheezed, struggling to speak, “can’t breathe!” he managed to make out before he fainted, collapsing to the floor in an instant.

“Dan!” Phil ran to kneel at his side, fear gripping his chest but unsure of what to do. His eyes darted back and forth as he struggled to react. Should he call an ambulance? Get him to an emergency room? There was no time to think. Phil summoned all his strength and gently lifted Dan off the floor. Cradling his best friend in his arms, his voice trembled as he whispered, “I’m so sorry Dan, you’ll be alright I promise.”

Phil arrived at the hospital with little memory of getting there, and as soon as the nurses took Dan from him all the adrenaline drained from his body, leaving nothing but exhaustion and restless anxiety. He was told to sit in the waiting room, so he did, though it felt more like purgatory. An eternity later, they finally allowed him into Dan’s hospital room.

Dan was asleep and looked paler than usual in the fluorescent light. An IV drip was attached to his right hand, and a respiratory mask covered his mouth. He had been changed into a blue hospital gown, and his dark clothes had been folded and stacked on the end table next to the bed. Phil sat himself down on a chair at Dan’s left side and held his free hand with both of his. Phil took a long look at him and tears began to well up in his eyes.

“If only there was some way I could make things right. Dan…” Phil thought before exhaustion overtook him. He fell asleep leaning on Dan’s hospital bed, still holding his hand tight.


	2. Dan's Inferno

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil wakes up in an unfamiliar world and is forced to face unfathomable news. He's put face to face with the supernatural as he struggles to defeat is own best friend and lover, Dan. Is Phil strong enough to win the challenge asked of him, or will his emotions get the best of him?

When Phil awoke, he saw nothing but darkness. He found himself lying facedown on a cold, hard floor. He propped himself up with his arms and slowly stood up in total confusion. A sinking feeling started to grip his chest. 

“Hello?” he called out, and the sound echoed eerily back at him. Wherever he was, it wasn’t the hospital room he had fallen asleep in. It was much larger, and there was nothing and no one around. Before he could think more of it, he saw a light appear a few feet away out of the corner of his eye. When he turned around, he saw a computer screen opened to tumblr, but it was unusual for more than one reason. Firstly, the screen wasn’t attached to anything, there was no rod holding it up. It was just floating in midair. Secondly, it wasn’t made out of metal, glass, plastic, or anything else you might find on a tablet or laptop. Phil reached out to touch the screen and close out of tumblr, but his hand went right through the thing. The light reflected on his own hand as he pulled it back.

“So it’s a hologram?” Phil asked aloud, trying to make sense of what was happening. It didn’t seem like he could interact with the screen so he took a closer look at what was already on it. He was not prepared for what he saw. It was filled with fans reacting to the news of his own death, as well as Dan’s. Phil couldn’t believe what he was seeing, he thought it must be some kind of twisted prank, but the hologram kept scrolling down the page and it went on and on for ages. People had made art, videos, dedications to him and Dan as if they really had tragically passed away. Suddenly, the screen stopped scrolling and it opened to a live news broadcast. 

A professionally dressed woman stood in front of a burnt building holding a microphone, and she spoke in a crisp voice, “Many lives were lost last night when this London hospital caught fire and burned down, including YouTube celebrities Dan Howell and Phil Lester, who were reportedly there because of a medical emergency. The fire brigade could not… ” 

The rest of her words failed to reach Phil’s ears. This was more than a cruel prank gone too far. Could it be true? How could he be dead? He was still here, breathing, his heart beating faster than ever. Though, he still didn’t know where “here” was. He looked back at the holographic screen, hoping it would show him some answers. It did nothing; instead, a second screen appeared next to it, showing twitter this time, with much of the same reactions repeated. Then a third screen appeared, this time with YouTube. The screens continued to multiply at a rapid pace, creating an endless wall so high Phil couldn’t see to the top of it. 

Phil stepped back, and then fell down out of sheer terror, “This,” Phil gasped, “this can’t be happening. It just can’t.” He shut his eyes, hoping he would wake up back in the hospital room and everything would be alright. Dan would be there—Dan! 

Phil opened his eyes. The screens had disappeared, and he was in darkness again. He scrambled to his feet and began to search helplessly for Dan. He ran through the endless space, shouting for Dan, hoping he was there while at the same time worried he might still be sick and unable to respond. 

Phil stopped to catch his breath, resting his hands on his knees. When he looked up again, he startled at what he saw. It looked like Dan, but it couldn’t possibly be him. “Dan” was standing a few feet ahead of him, hands in his pockets, smirking like the worst kind of person. A red light seemed to radiate from his skin, everything about him was tinted that color. In fact, on closer inspection, even his eyes were red. 

“Dan?” Phil questioned hesitantly, “Is that you?” 

“You know it’s not, Lester.” God. It sounded exactly like him. 

Phil sighed, exasperated. “Then who exactly are you, and what is this place? Have I really died‽”

“You tell me.” The creature shrugged nonchalantly. 

Phil took a deep breath. “Okay then. Do you know where Dan is?” 

“I might,” the thing mocked once more. 

“Goddammit, if you know where Dan is, you’d better tell me!” Phil shouted as he attempted to grab the guy by the collar. His attempt failed and his face, previously filled with fury, fell to shock as his hands went right through him. Phil took a step back, shaking his head at the impossibility of his situation.

“Whoa-hoh, temper temper,” the phantom Dan taunted again, wagging his finger at Phil. 

This earned him a stern gaze from Phil. “Are you the devil then? Have I gone to hell?”

“Please,” the phantom Dan snorted, “You haven’t gone anywhere. Here, I’ll explain.” With a snap of his fingers, a yellow light enveloped the area. Visibility was maybe fifty feet, but it was a massive improvement. 

“Oh. Thanks,” Phil muttered. 

“See, the thing is,” the phantom began, “you certainly are dead. I’ve already shown you evidence of that. However, you weren’t supposed to die, and neither was your little boyfriend. Something must have gone completely wrong down on Earth for you two to be here, because this was not anyone’s plan.” 

“So, I’m dead, but I’m not in heaven or hell. Where am I?” Phil questioned, still irritated but mostly just mystified. 

“Just listen. To put it simply, you’re in an inbetween space my boss put together to test you. You’re going to be facing three challenges: one physical, one emotional, and one intellectual. If you win at least two out of three you’ll be put back where you were, alive and well next to Danny boy and everything will go back according to plan.” 

“What if I can’t win the challenges?” Phil questioned again. 

“If you should lose,” the phantom Dan warned, “we have no other place to put you but here, since you died off-time. Your souls will be stuck in this place for eternity.” 

Phil’s mouth hung open in shock as he processed what he just heard. He was about to have to make decisions that affected his soul, and Dan’s as well. 

The red phantom chuckled, “What, do you need a minute?”

Phil took a deep breath. “No,” Phil responded, resolute, “I’ll do it. I’ll do the challenges.” 

“Alright then,” the phantom arched his brow and snapped his fingers, causing a podium to rise from the floor and raise him far above Phil. “The first challenge is physical. You have to beat Dan in a swordfight. Using these.” 

Two actual floating lightsabers apparated in front of Phil, one blue and one red. Phil reached out and grabbed the blue one. He lifted it, though it was heavier than it looked, and he noticed his hands were shaking. When that thing said he had to fight Dan, did he mean the real Dan or another illusion? If it’s going to be the real Dan, has he been alone this whole time? Did a different ghost tell him what’s going on? These questions swirled around in his mind. 

Phil broke out of his thoughts when he heard the footsteps of someone approaching him. He shifted his focus away from the lightsaber and exhaled in relief. The real Dan stood a foot away from him, he was sure of it. Dan took the red lightsaber and stared at Phil with the most determined expression Phil had ever seen from him. 

“Dan–!” 

“Don’t say anything, Phil. I’m going to win this, and we’re going home.” 

“What? No, I have to win, or else we’ll be trapped here.” 

The phantom Dan chimed in, “Alright, here at the rules: the winner is declared when one person is without their sword or otherwise incapacitated. And, by the way, those lightsabers can actually burn you.” 

“Wait, wait, “ Phil interrupted, “I don’t want to fight Dan. There has to be something else we can do.”

“Oh really?” The phantom Dan mused, “You didn’t seem to have a problem fighting him yesterday. Anyway, you don’t get a choice.” Both Dan and Phil gave the phantom some serious side eye, but he just laughed. “Ready? Go!” 

Phil jumped back and did an awkward parry as Dan came right at him with the red lightsaber. He realized Dan was dead serious about winning. This was bad– he forgot how strong Dan actually was when he put forth all his energy. 

This time Phil swung his blue saber and Dan met him head-on, the two blades of light sliding against each other as Dan and Phil locked eyes. The intensity of Dan’s eyes was just too formidable, and Phil knew the only way he was going to win this was by talking his way out of it. 

“Dan, you don’t have to do this,” Phil whispered so that the phantom couldn’t hear him. “If you let me win just two challenges, it’ll be over and we can go home.” 

“No way,” Dan said through clenched teeth, “the ghost you told me you’d say things like that, I’m not gonna let it get to me.” 

Dan broke his lightsaber free from the current struggle and stepped forward, slamming the blade against Phil’s, attempting to knock it out of his hands. 

Phil held tight to his own lightsaber. Since talking him out of it had completely failed, he actually had to fight, and he was going to give Dan a run for his money. He secretly channeled all the frustration he still had for Dan. All of his unspoken complaints, all the times he had held it together for the sake of not starting something– he put it all into his fighting. 

Dan seemed surprised as their battle went back and forth. They danced around the arena, sometimes with Dan seeming to have control, other times with Phil winning. Phil felt the sweat drip down his neck. Dan was looking desperate, Phil could tell he was so close to winning this. 

Dan tried to knock Phil over by swiping his blade at Phil’s feet, but Phil actually managed to jump, avoiding the attack. At that moment, Phil swung his blue lightsaber towards Dan’s side. The blade swiped his hip and Dan fell to one knee, his face scrunched up in pain, but he still held onto his red lightsaber. 

“Augh!” Dan yelled out.

“No, Dan?!” Phil knelt down as well, “Did I hurt you? Are you alright?” His concerned voice echoed.

Dan breathed heavily, but swung at Phil’s lightsaber with all his strength, knocking it out of Phil’s hands and pushing him down, pointing his red lightsaber at Phil’s neck. 

“Looks like Dan wins!” the phantom Dan excitedly announced. Suddenly the lightsabers disappeared. 

Phil stood up and looked at Dan’s side once again. His clothes weren’t even singed. He couldn’t believe it, Dan had deceived him. 

“There has to be a rule against that,” Phil complained. “He wasn’t actually hurt.”

“There was only one rule, sorry Philly.” the phantom Dan dismissed him. 

“I’m sorry Phil,” Dan apologized, “I had to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed chapter two! I know I did, I think.   
> I have to credit the tumblr user my-odd-delusion for their beautiful star wars Dan and Phil art, that inspired me in this part:
> 
> http://my-odd-delusion.tumblr.com/post/142079110961/star-wars-au-dans-ver-please-do-not-repost  
> http://my-odd-delusion.tumblr.com/post/137648087766/star-wars-au-phils-ver-please-do-not-repost
> 
> If you want to know what happens next: STAY TUNED.

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from the song "Stand by You" by Rachel Platten


End file.
